A definition of stress

It always amazes me that despite the fact that stress is such a hot topic these days, we still don’t have an agreed definition among experts. In part it’s because the word “stress” encapsulates the whole spectrum of daily hassles, major life events and traumas. Perhaps, it’s also because the nature of stress has changed so dramatically over our evolution as humans.

That said, the definition that holds most comfortably with me is one proposed by health psychologist and Stanford University professor Kelly McGonigal – “Stress is what arises when something you care about is at stake”.

How to reduce stress without reducing our aspirations

If stress arises when we believe that something we care about is being adversely affected, then knowing what we really care about is essential. In not knowing what matters to us, by default we care about everything. And everything causes a great deal of stress. By the same token, in simply identifying what matters to us, we filter out the things that are less important. We show up fully for the things that matter, and we’re able to let go of those that don’t.

Let’s take this a step further. We each have a unique combination of values, strengths, goals and constraints. Our values are the things that matter to us. Our strengths are our resources. Our goals are our desires and objectives. Finally, our constraints are those internal and external frontiers within which we operate – some of which can be challenged and expanded, while others may be our own values which ought to be acknowledged and accepted. Let’s face the truth – we’re not all the same, but that’s what makes us unique.

Optimising for our own unique combination rather than someone else’s is not only a path to reducing unnecessary stress, but feeling more confident, fulfilled and focused on what matters to us. That FOMO that so many of us suffer from – "should I be doing more? am I doing enough compared to others?” – suddenly melts away. Knowing where you stand, removes the feeling of being “stuck”. It provides you with an unparalleled clarity of mind and a sense of spaciousness inside you.

Putting it in practice

In the madness of our modern life, spending time to explore our values, strengths, goals and constraints is something we rarely do. So why not start by taking a step back from the madness? Take some time during this lockdown to really get to know yourself. Perhaps you can set aside 2 hours each Sunday for a month to reflect on those four things:

• values
• strengths
• goals
• constraints.

Get your partner or flatmate to join in, so you feel more motivated. Once you’ve got a clear list, create a visual representation such as a word-art print, a fridge magnet or even a few Post-It notes. Place these somewhere either where it can be a constant reminder to you, or you’re more likely to see it in a moment of stress. This way, when things get tough, you can ask yourself whether this stress is one worthwhile.

My experience taught me that it can take a small change in mindset to catalyse a vast reduction in the stress we experience. It’s not that the stress isn’t there, we simply experience it differently. All without reducing our core aspirations. While it doesn’t all come overnight, starting with small steps gets us closer to becoming a master. So what are you doing next Sunday?